if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
