I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
