So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
