and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
We need to get me chipped asap
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
