he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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