Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
