today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
