If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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