My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
