note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
