you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
