1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
