The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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