Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
