Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Randomize
