Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
