I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
