just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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