eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
