What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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