please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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