while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
