Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
