All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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