I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
