how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Randomize
