my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
