why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I deserve this hangover.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
