I'm gonna have a badass scar
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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