Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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