you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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