I'm going to jail i love you
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Randomize
