i would punch a child for taco bell
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
