she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
