I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
