I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
