i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
