'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
