i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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