My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
