Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
