Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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