Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
