when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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