non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
