Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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