I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
