I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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