So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
