how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
