I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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