I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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