I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
