I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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