Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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