I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
