he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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