Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
wrigley field is MILF paradise
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
