I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
