we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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