I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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