I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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