Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You had me at "let me see your balls"
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
