Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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