if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
