I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
