so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
