He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
